Numb

It is interesting to me I have spent the entire week living with entirely no privacy always being interrupted or asked to do something and constantly having to entertain or try and enlighten the students that were around me. On my first full day of being off of the houseboat I found that I missed those things. I missed constantly being around people, being able to affirm my students and to discourage any negative perceptions that they would put on themselves (diminishing their view of themselves). I took a long nap today but around 8 I also started to feel very tired I was at a gathering so I pressed through and once I got home I decided to do some reading (Jesus for president, more on that in another post). I couldn't focus on that as I thought I was to tired to grab what Shane was throwing at me. So I grabbed this film numb that was actually do on Thursday and thought if nothing else I could let the acting of Matthew Perry put me to sleep. What I found has got the wheels turning in my head at the moment so there is now way I could sleep without working them out here.
For those of you who have not seen the film, it is about a man who because of a mental issue feels like the world existing around him is not there. He is "numb" to the feelings that he is experiencing and questions whether physical things are really there at all and because of this he feels uncomfortable and anxious all of the time (solitude and the golf channel are the only things that make him comfortable). He freaks accordingly with this and begins a mission seeking therapy, drugs and even a 4 day stay at a institution that is doing research on his disorder. When he begins first dealing with his mental que he meets a girl and finds out that she is the only person he can even feel remotely comfortable around. Like all great love stories he ends up sabotaging the relationship and then realizing he has to get her back (his go to line was "I'll love you for the rest of my life, it would really help if you were around for it").
I love how we exist in tension because I found a common and personal line that existed within the week I just experienced and the film I just watched. The thing is we are all not ok, we have been blessed to live in this glorious mess. We are forever marred by sin and will always live as human beings in tension. In this tension we must remember that we are created in the very image of God Himself. As we know we are not ok we can not look for other people to carry us the length of the marathon. People exist in our lives to help us move towards (and some away) from God and His promise. When we lean entirely on people who are just as flawed as we are we will start to hear things that are not true.
We begin to put limitations on what we think we can do, we begin to find value in not how God created us or what we should think of ourselves but in the opinions of others. Kealand my younger brother has this thing he does when I correct him sometimes. He will tell me "that is only an opinion (often times this is when I give a fact but I think it provides the illustration)." His view of reality is not determined on the truth that I bring into it. I noticed that with this week when students had the spot light thrust upon them, their confidence would die a little bit. Whether they were following an awesome wake boarder or simply waiting their turn to wrestle on the tube of despair, they would most times shoot out a self deflating comment, or they would just give up and allow victory to slip from their grasps.
This makes me sad because there were so many times growing up and there are still in fact times that I allow the views of others to dictate what I can and cannot do. I never played baseball growing up because I knew I would never be good at it, I never asked someone out in high school because I didn't think I was worthy of having a relationship like that, these and many more things paralyzed me throughout most of my youth.
God created us in tension for a reason and that is that we will not be afraid to fight and to learn from our failures. I heard a story about Mike Lowell (third baseman for the redsox), when he was growing up his father would take him and his brother to the batting cage and then to ice cream afterwards. The only stipulation for the ice cream was that they swing at every single pitch. He was showing them that in baseball and ultimately in life you have to not be afraid to swing. We will miss and we will strike out but actively seeking to make contact, to pursue something better so much better then just giving up and letting the strike go by unprovoked. I said at the beginning of last week that I was aboard to create opportunities for my students. I am now actively seeking opportunities to swing for them as well as for me.

At least these are all of my thoughts at the time.

CJ-Out