Renovatio

Chaos Theory

2008-07-01T21:01:00.000-07:00

Chaos Theory: Chaos theory is the study of entirely random systems to see what patterns if any exist within so that predictions can be made in the future as to the regard of the impact of these systems (like the weather). Or it is a fantastic film starting Ryan Reynolds (who quickly is becoming my go to actor), this film tells the story of a man who lives his life efficiently with lists and goals for each and every day. Everything on his Agenda is timed to perfection. It isn't until something happens that throws first his schedule off by ten minutes and ends up rocking his world completely. The movie takes place around Ryan Reynolds telling his story to a groom who is having second thoughts about marrying his daughter. What he says at the end of the story is the summation for watching the film. He says (after explaining what chaos theory means) "there is nothing as chaotic and unpredictable as the human heart. The sheer changes that occur with excitement or sadness cause the heart to react with the amount of beats that is kicks out (all we really know is faster or slower). The heart because of it's emotional link to man is therefore the least unpredictable system in the world. The thing that will always make those emotional responses predictable and therefore the hearts reaction is Love. Human beings capacity to give and receive Love, the ability to forgive: betrayal, scorn, hurt will always exist within each of us."
I love that idea. As a matter of fact it assures me that God exists, breathes and moves among us. The capacity to Love I believe is not a learned human trait but much like our moral system comes from something much greater then us. Through the Love we have been shown creates in us this capacity. Essentially I have been led to believe that we Love with that which God has Loved on us with. And yet we still have a choice as to how we give and receive Love
I have become increasingly more aware of the presence of God with me all day every day. I think it was during a prayer where I was inviting God into our discussion or something like that, but it struck me that I did not need to invite God, just acknowledge that he was there and he was moving, not for His sake but for mine.
We think of God as a chaotic mystery that we take whatever bit of information that we have and yet we feel so distant. I think knowing who God is (holy and loving) factors greatly into understanding how we fit into the chaos that surrounds us. That the presence of God exists as we bear the image of our creator, through the community we share with the Son and with the Spirit moving within us and around us. I'll continue this thought through a couple of other things I've noticed in other arts I've experienced within the past two week, I just didn't want to write a huge smattering of words.

All I know Love as it turns out is not as Chaotic as it may seem.
At least those are all my thoughts at the time.

CJ-Out

Jesus for President

2008-06-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

This past week I have had my gut wrenched in tension. I finished Shane Claiborne's new book Jesus for President and then heard him speak on the subject. I also have observed somethings this past week and this evening that have allowed me to see things a little bit newer.
In the book Shane and his boy Chris Haw painted a picture of the political history of Israel. They talked about our relationship with God and the struggle that existed there in the B.C. They also brought out the startling color of Jesus' presence in the world and His teachings. The idea was that Jesus was not passive and He was not violent. Through His teachings he taught Love above everything else. That those who want to hurt or violate us can be disarmed with Love.
Shane and Chris then translated this teaching on Jesus to modern day America or "The Empire" as they called it. After reading through this book I can't say that I completely agree with everything that they are saying (it wouldn't be a good thing if I did) but their position has forced me to think and look at exactly what I believe myself. So as a result I am sitting in tension (my favorite word for the past year).
I had taken students to see Shane and Chris speak and in the discussion afterwards they were constantly throwing out "what if" questions out. I am not a big fan of these questions (because there will always be another what if) but I entertained the "what if" questions asked by the small group of students that fit into my parents Pacifica. I don't know if they were happy with my response because I told them we had to live in Tension, that it is a good thing to live in between places. If we don't get that turning feeling in our stomachs about an issue then we are not living up to the potential that God has created us to.
If you do pick up Jesus for President I'll tell you the same thing I told my students, that you have to remember (and this is displayed very well in the book) that whenever you are confronted with big issue questions you have to take them back to who God is and God has shown us over and over again throughout history that He is Love (compassion) and Holy (justice). Tension is a wonderful thing isn't it.

Numb

2008-06-21T21:13:00.000-07:00

It is interesting to me I have spent the entire week living with entirely no privacy always being interrupted or asked to do something and constantly having to entertain or try and enlighten the students that were around me. On my first full day of being off of the houseboat I found that I missed those things. I missed constantly being around people, being able to affirm my students and to discourage any negative perceptions that they would put on themselves (diminishing their view of themselves). I took a long nap today but around 8 I also started to feel very tired I was at a gathering so I pressed through and once I got home I decided to do some reading (Jesus for president, more on that in another post). I couldn't focus on that as I thought I was to tired to grab what Shane was throwing at me. So I grabbed this film numb that was actually do on Thursday and thought if nothing else I could let the acting of Matthew Perry put me to sleep. What I found has got the wheels turning in my head at the moment so there is now way I could sleep without working them out here.
For those of you who have not seen the film, it is about a man who because of a mental issue feels like the world existing around him is not there. He is "numb" to the feelings that he is experiencing and questions whether physical things are really there at all and because of this he feels uncomfortable and anxious all of the time (solitude and the golf channel are the only things that make him comfortable). He freaks accordingly with this and begins a mission seeking therapy, drugs and even a 4 day stay at a institution that is doing research on his disorder. When he begins first dealing with his mental que he meets a girl and finds out that she is the only person he can even feel remotely comfortable around. Like all great love stories he ends up sabotaging the relationship and then realizing he has to get her back (his go to line was "I'll love you for the rest of my life, it would really help if you were around for it").
I love how we exist in tension because I found a common and personal line that existed within the week I just experienced and the film I just watched. The thing is we are all not ok, we have been blessed to live in this glorious mess. We are forever marred by sin and will always live as human beings in tension. In this tension we must remember that we are created in the very image of God Himself. As we know we are not ok we can not look for other people to carry us the length of the marathon. People exist in our lives to help us move towards (and some away) from God and His promise. When we lean entirely on people who are just as flawed as we are we will start to hear things that are not true.
We begin to put limitations on what we think we can do, we begin to find value in not how God created us or what we should think of ourselves but in the opinions of others. Kealand my younger brother has this thing he does when I correct him sometimes. He will tell me "that is only an opinion (often times this is when I give a fact but I think it provides the illustration)." His view of reality is not determined on the truth that I bring into it. I noticed that with this week when students had the spot light thrust upon them, their confidence would die a little bit. Whether they were following an awesome wake boarder or simply waiting their turn to wrestle on the tube of despair, they would most times shoot out a self deflating comment, or they would just give up and allow victory to slip from their grasps.
This makes me sad because there were so many times growing up and there are still in fact times that I allow the views of others to dictate what I can and cannot do. I never played baseball growing up because I knew I would never be good at it, I never asked someone out in high school because I didn't think I was worthy of having a relationship like that, these and many more things paralyzed me throughout most of my youth.
God created us in tension for a reason and that is that we will not be afraid to fight and to learn from our failures. I heard a story about Mike Lowell (third baseman for the redsox), when he was growing up his father would take him and his brother to the batting cage and then to ice cream afterwards. The only stipulation for the ice cream was that they swing at every single pitch. He was showing them that in baseball and ultimately in life you have to not be afraid to swing. We will miss and we will strike out but actively seeking to make contact, to pursue something better so much better then just giving up and letting the strike go by unprovoked. I said at the beginning of last week that I was aboard to create opportunities for my students. I am now actively seeking opportunities to swing for them as well as for me.

At least these are all of my thoughts at the time.

CJ-Out

show up in tension

2008-06-14T21:54:00.000-07:00

So I am finished with UnChristian and Blue like jazz. I feel challenged about where my eyes and heart are set after reading them. If I could only choose one word to describe the feeling that these books launched me into, it would be tension. I have been teaching my students for the last year and a half that we are made to live in tension. That the forces of our sinful desire and the promise of Jesus are pulling at us, that Chaos and Peace are at war and we are the prize. I don't know if they've heard me at least they are polite and knod or laugh when I make a joke in between my thoughts on tension. The truth is we do exist in tension, as Rob Bell has put it we were not made to live as Angels (or the Divine) or Animals (or the Profane), because of our sin we are thrust into the middle between promise and chaos.
About 5 or 6 years ago there was a tv show that only lasted one season. I am pretty sure my pop and I were the only one who watched it, but it was on ESPN and it was called "Playmakers." This was when ESPN was trying to become more then just a sports reporting news network (experiment was a failure). This show however dealt with the day in and day out goings on of a fictional professional football team. It showed the moral ambiguity that existed in the lives of the players. It was a fun show and since I spent the majority of my childhood building football teams on madden football (I believe I averaged 20 or so a month, I had a short attention span). Anyway there is a scene in a certain episode where a player knows he is outmatched and he will be beaten over and over again by a certain player. He stayed in the locker room as his team left to go play the second half. His coach comes over to him and ask's him what is up (it had just come out that the coach had prostate cancer in this episode as well and was having his first chemo after the game). The player asks him "how do you do it? How do go up against something that is so much bigger then you? With all of the odds that are stacked up against you, how do you handle that?" The coach response to him was "you know guys like you and me all, the poor slubs that we are, all we can do is to just keep showing up."
It was so simple and yet when I heard it floored me. All I was asked to do in the fight for my soul was to keep showing up. To not give up the fight, but to relish in the fact that I was apart of this saga, this story since Adam and Eve were deceived.

Those were all of my thoughts at the time at least.

CJ-Out

My Front Porch

2008-06-09T21:40:00.000-07:00

I love it sometimes when things that I am reading come together. I take it as a sign that I am on the right track. The beginning of something. A little bit ago I wrote about a book I started called UnChristian. I don't know if I would say it is a eye opener, but it confirms many of the things I feel about the misrepresentation that is currently behind the tag Christian I will explain why I say misrepresentation in a sec). The other book I picked up for the first time (I know I am nearly a decade behind everyone, but I wasn't chosen by that book until now) Blue like Jazz by Donald Miller. These two books go together like lamb and tuna fish.
UnChristian talks about how the we as Christians are representing our own name sake (Jesus) and Blue shares thoughts about what Christianity should be (it reminds me of Mere Christianity). There is a section where Don Miller is speaking about how him and a campus group set up a confessional booth in the middle of a well known anti Christian campus. The only trick was that they were not taking confessions they were giving them. They were apologizing not for the ways others have misrepresented their faith (although they mention how embarrassed they were for those things), such things as the Crusades, Slavery, Missionaries wiping out entire indigenous people, Manifest Destiny, Salem Witch trials (ok that wasn't a big one but I think someone is owed an apology). But they would talk about how they personally have not lived out the message and mission of Jesus (to seek, love, serve, the least the last and the lost).
I was thinking about these two books the other day as I was driving through a neighborhood and I started to notice the houses around me. I didn't like them, they were big and glorious and looked perfect, but none of them had front porches (I have had a thing for wrap around front porches). Every house had an immaculate deck on the back (that was filled with other toys: pool, hot tub, etc.) but all they had was a front door with a step. I don't know when front porches went out of style but I really want to go back to those times. Because what you have with a front porch is a gathering place, you see people as they are going and as they are coming, you can sit and carry a conversation with someone across the street. Now it is get into your house as fast as you can.
Well as I drove through I was thinking that our houses are very much like how many Christians (me included) live their faith. We don't have any front porch's any more, we seclude ourselves to what we do on Sunday's and we talk about how great it would be to go to Africa and cure HIV/AIDS. We talk a lot but here is the thing I keep finding all of that talk is just hot air and it truly amounts to nothing. Much like the morning mist it will dissipate with the first rays of light.
I have notices many people building front porch's, those who desire to see people who we pass and neglect on our sprint into our castles. I so long desire to be one of those people, I have been convicted in my own life that I am not living with a front porch, that I am not inviting those outside of my safe haven into my life. I suppose that if I were to confess I would say that I truly desire to serve God but my selfishness causes me to hesitate, I talk about helping the poor but and I will as long as there is nothing good on tv. I say I am concerned about spreading the Gospel, but the reality is I am to busy thinking about what apartment I would like to move into, or what car I would like to buy. Because of my position I sometimes feel that I am doing enough for the kingdom, but in the end I am just as lazy, forgetful and uninterested as some of my students. I can talk a good game, but the actions of my life would scream something different.
I am in the pursuit of now building a front porch and much like how I challenged our whole congregation to last Sunday, to open my eyes and see the needs, hurts, pains that are around me.

At least those are all my thoughts at the time.

CJ

UnChristian

2008-05-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

I recently started a new book, well I suppose I start a new book each week, it is just a matter of whether I will pick it up after the first time I crack it or now. I have gone months even years without picking up a book for a second time. I like to think of it as if I am just not in the right place or the right time to really catch what is in that book (this was the same for all of my college books I held on to). But I picked up a new one today (well actually two) and I cracked it open, I think it will hold my attention for a while. The title of the book is UnChristian, and I am just assuming it is the latest Barna group book to emerge since Revolutions (an extreme idea of modern church but ultimately lacking the accountability that God calls us into). This book is not written by George Barna but by the president of the Barna Group David Kinniman.
I have just finished the beginning and hald way through the first chapter of the book (I fell asleep at one point, but not because of the book) and the focus of the study that is presented in this text is a look at the major turnoffs that exist within Christianity (notice I didn't say Church). This three year study looked at what this new young generation (16-30) thinks of this religion called Christianity. There was one quote that stood out to me that I believe is the summation of what Kinnaman is working to get across, "often the perceptions of Christianity reflect a church that is infatuated with itself."
This is actually something I have struggled with for a long period of time, I cringe whenever I see a Christianity section in a book store and I have a hard time crying out in outrage whenever I have a parent ask me to help them get their student to listen to only Christian music. This is not what God intended! Do we really need a million different version of the bible (I am talking about all the cute, bible for singles and end of days bible and every man's battle bibles, etc.) and a hundred books that promote our own diet. God did not tell us to create our own world to live in but to actively change this world and not with oven mitts on (I guess that is my new favorite saying).
When I talk about oven mitts, I am talking about handling things as safely as possible. As the CHURCH we should not wear oven mitts (perhaps I will just write my own follow up called oven mitts). I don't know if any of what I just wrote is in the book, but those are my thoughts on this issue. I'm sure I will post again as I continue to read more.

Those are all my thoughts at the time at least,
CJ-Out

things that make you smile

2008-02-18T19:15:00.000-08:00

I recently had one of those moments in ministry where you remember what you love about students. The main teaching room where Middle School teaching time is held on each Sunday morning, holds my office chair in it (I taught from it one sunday and haven't taken it back yet). Now it becomes a race between each of the guys for who gets to sit in that chair during my lesson. Our church does a family, community worship to start the Sunday and then each age moves into it's own separate teaching area. Sometimes students will hang out in the class room instead of going to family worship, so I have started locking it up and then opening it when we come back for teaching time.
Well on my way back to the class room after worship I saw one of my 6th Grade students (Christian) running ahead so he could be the one who sat in the seat. As I turned the corner for the hall way to my class room I saw Christian sprinting towards the door that he believed to be unlocked. He hit the door at a full sprint and since the door was locked he ran head first into the door being shot back to the floor. When I got to the class room he was sprawled out with a couple high school students making sure he was ok. You gotta love Middle School Students sometimes.

How to Deal

2007-08-06T10:08:00.001-07:00

Hey this is a post that I wrote a couple months ago, I don't know why I didn't post it but this little treasure is something for each of you to enjoy. I'm back baby, speak to yall soon.

As I have been treking my way through the Psalms I have realized so many new feelings and possibilities when it comes to dealing with affliction. In just about every Psalm David is crying out to God for help or a reminder at least that God has not forgot him. Seeing David in his agony and attempting to understand why he was writing this, I have come to understand maybe just a little bit better, this mess that we like to call life.
I don't want to say this is a formula but just a trend that I have noticed within my own personal life as well as others that I haved observed or shared this idea with. When we feel like the world is dumping on us and we don't know why, the big picture of our lives seems to get smaller and smaller. And those quick fixes or fast pleasures seem so valid within our lives. We see something that will take the pain away at least for a little bit of time and that is attractive to us. We forget that our sin, our world since the fall of man has always been about pain with a hint of pleasure. I once heard someone refer to the effects of sin like a mirror. We were made to glorify God, to mirror God's greatness, why do you think we were made in His image?
Man used to have an intimate relationship with God, that is until we made the conscious choice that a relationship with God was not enough. We were not satisfied in purely resembling the image of God, we wanted to be like God. This I feel was the first yearning for scientific discovery, Man wanted to understand it all. Before the fall we understood good but had no idea that evil could exist within the world. We had to know what else could be out ther and needless to say we are still chewing what Adam had bitten off. We lost that connection with God, we were no long able to be around each other. That doesn't mean we never stopped looking for that feeling we had when we were connected with Him. Instead of seeing God however all that we see is our own image and somewhere within each of us we are mocked by it.
The image of God is still present within the mirror, but instead of finding joy in our reflection all we see is the imperfections that sin has left marked over our lives. Our emberassments come flooding back and we are forced to relive our shame. I suppose that is why we try to find anything and everything to cope with the pain. When all we can see is our imprefections and emberassments the world can seem a very small place and we feel that since we have knowledge of good and evil now we can predict what is best for ourselves, and that just digs the hole deeper and deeper.
I have found that within affliction and tragedy that we encounter is that when we cry out, when we have had enough of carrying out own burden and ask God to aleviate just a little bit, we are the most honest not only with ourselves but with God. It is not until that serene moment of humility hits us however that we are willing to accept the truth, we are willing to open the curtain and see God. The problem with truth however is that it will most of the time come with at least a very painful taste to it. I think that is because the perfection that truth embodies is something that we are not prepared within our current state. We see that perfection in front of us and suddenly we are looking in the mirror again, seeing every single imperfection and flaw within ourselves. Our sin pulls to the forefront and we are reminded of the loss. It is in this most honest state then that we are willing to accept what God has prepared for us.
Are we willing to accept the bitter taste of truth so that we can become closer to the one whose image we bear?
Are we willing to see past our humanity to that image of God that lies within each of us?
Are we willing to remember that because we carry that image that we have a indelible purpose on this Earth?

I am, are you?

Cj- out

Mylife.now

2007-02-23T09:32:00.000-08:00

It has been precisely to long since I last shared my life in any other forum but a message to Jr. High students or over coffee or communion. Which is a shame because so much has happened in my life that I have not shared with this forum and if nothing else selfishly it helps me to actually see my thoughts, to organize and correlate them some how. I can pull those tangents that exist in my brain into some sort or cohesive rational paradigm that I can then share with people.

In the past two months of my life I have gone from being a fairly well paid babysitter (substitute) to coming on part time in the Church as a point person for a Jr. High Ministry. So I have traded in my amateur status to become a professional, it is a shame the Olympics were just around the corner. Since I accepted this position my nights have become restless as sleep does not come easily. I have so many ideas and thoughts and desires that I get to excited with everything and anything that will happen with Gods ministry at Central. I have also felt the exhaustion that comes with constantly casting a shared vision as well. It is a good kind of tired however.

I have come to find only one true desire as I spend time with these student’s, I pray that my children will be as hungry for the word as these students are. The student’s that have been placed at Central are some of the most amazing people I have met. They thirst for God’s word, to know how to read it, to understand what the author is saying to them and most importantly to take what they know and do something with it. The question my Pop has been asking me since I graduated school is “What are you doing with what you know?” I think he might just be trying to see if he is getting his money’s worth out of my college education. I think he has a point though. We desire to be so smart, to have all of this knowledge about the world and to sound so educated, but we sit up high on our thrones of knowledge and are just to high up to actually do anything with it. We waste what we know when we do this. They are like mist that will dissipate when the sunlight touches it.

About four months ago my Dad asked me to help move my (Uncle Andy who is my Grandpa’s brother) from one apartment to another. This was nothing new to me, once my Dad saw I was able to carry twenty pounds easily he has volunteered me to help move anyone and anything. So I went begrudgingly to move my uncle. Now this sounds like one of those stories where someone goes against their will to do a task and then finds joy it, don’t worry this story is not one of those. As we got to his apartment we had to force our way through the doorway (there was to much clutter behind it to just open it) as you walked in there was mounds of garbage as far as the eyes could see, mostly piled up in the middle of the room nearly four feet high. But surrounding this trash were stacks and stacks of books outlining every area in this one bedroom apartment, even the bathroom. All that was visible was a place to use the toilet, the shower was filled with book, and there was no kitchen visible to the human eye. It immediately made me sad, because here was all of this knowledge that was rotting. My uncle had absorbed it and held it for himself. The books reminded him of what he knew, and sadly the trash could only reminded him of what he did with it.

Several things have changed in my perspective since that time, I used to value books the same way, for people to come in and say “wow you read all of these!” It would make me feel good about myself, but even though my collection of books is very little I can’t imagine holding onto this knowledge. Because I have been fortunate enough to acquire it I must share it. Since then I have sought that once I finished a book, even after I have just gotten the main idea, if there is someone that that book could affect then I have no need for my book. I’ve already been affected by that knowledge why shouldn’t I pass it along. I think this is what each of us are called into, once we have the privilege of understanding or learning something, to share it. To let that life changing knowledge change our very perspective on life and share it with whoever will listen. Not so that they may think we are smart but just so they know there is another perspective, dream, vision, idea, etc. that is out there. We can’t let what we know end with us. It can’t be treasured by just us but shared for all to see.

Remember to take pictures because you only go around once

Cj - out

The Drawing

2006-11-29T19:27:00.000-08:00

I just recently started to begin reading through the Psalms (one each day), as a major part of how I attempt to try to connect with God each day. I chose the psalms because I feel that the psalmist captures the most basic human emotions through their writings. Also I made it my quest a long time ago (with some divine prompting) to truly pursue a heart like David’s. What I found today however really stuck with me, mostly because it really stuck to a thought that was spoken about this past Sunday.

This last Sunday the main text that we looked at was Daniel 3, which focused on Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. The message was centered on worship, and how through the good and bad times we get the opportunity to worship. A point was made to set up the main idea of the message, was that Shad, Mesh and Benny’s reaction was to draw near, close to God and not to draw only to themselves. They decided that they were safer if they were to lean on God and not make it through on their own. It reminded me of why I hated Jr. High and to some degree High school so much. Instead of finding Godly people or relationships to really help me out when I felt the world weighing on me, I decided to bully back the world. I did this by making fun, picking on, ridiculing those that were smaller then me (which was many different people). It was the only way I knew how to deal. When I drew to myself I really just dug myself deeper and deeper into a hole. In High school I would attempt to impress the most popular students, one of the reasons I didn’t date in high school was because I was only interested in the incredibly popular girls that were unobtainable. I would invest in relationships that would leave me ridiculed myself and severely hamper my self confidence and self esteem (in many ways I am still recovering from this).

With this thought in my mind I have started to read the Psalms, and within each of the Psalms David talks about how he is under siege from all sides and how his despair is so deep and the betrayal and hurt that has been invoked upon him is unbearable. In each of these Psalms however he draws back to God, he understands his current state, his fear, his despair but then he moves and draws himself back into Gods glory. He reminds himself of who God is and the impressions he has already left in his life already. He is vulnerable enough to know that he needs help, he can not do it all on his own. Within Psalm 5:8 David says “Lead me, O Lord, in your righteousness, because of my enemies make straight your way before me.” His first reaction is to draw close to God, to reconnect in his most important relationship. When we draw close to the Lord we connect with other people that know Him, we look to His scriptures, like the Psalms, so that we can see how someone who might have felt the same way we do, deals with the pain and we worship. Through the sweet and sour that life throws at us the one consistent is that God is there, whether we care to look for him is up to us.

Cj-out

The Change

2006-10-04T05:16:00.000-07:00

If you are ever looking for someone who understands change and transition you should immediately contact anyone in their mid twenties or anyone that has just graduated from college. The past 6 months of my life have been a rampant lesson in change, patience and attempting to understand how exactly God will gloriously mess up my life. I guess I do not have much for him to mess up at the moment because I am still perpetually living in transition.
Ever since I graduated school I have had these certain ideas for where I would land this year, what I would be doing, how exactly I would set up my office (I was thinking of a lavender color) when I eventually got hired at the church I would be serving for the next 20 years of my life. How I would find the woman that God has laid in store for me once I got there, and how eventually I would live happily ever after with my lady, our 2.4 kids and my dog "Rowdy." I have come to think that all of that was just a romantic notion on the view of success that has been drilled into my skull throught he Sat. morning cartoons I watched when I was little to the football games that I watch now. It is interesting that the people we are told we need to admire are those who have successfully achieved the American dream. As a matter of fact I have and still do at times hinge where I am going in the future to where I am at that very moment (penniless, post college 20 something, scrapping by month to month, still living with his parents and hanging out with the same 3 friends that I have had for the past 4 or 5 years) and I realize I am no where near ready to take the next step in my life, even if I knew what that was.
This is a trend that I have been trying to break as I realized the other day while watching football of all things, that there are people out there that are feeling the exact same way I am at this moment. Those that depended on school so much for an avenue of interaction and comfortable stretching of our boundaries are finding it hard to find that next big goal to reach for. We always had that big test or paper to prepare for, but now it seems as if there is no summit that has to be reached, no tough, busy task to be graded on. All that there seems to be is the abyss that is the rest of my life. I suppose the fear is that you have no idea where that is going to go. Which is interesting because having no idea or remote possibility for where I would land in the future is what excited me most about being called into ministry. I suppose I just did not expect that this glorious romantic mission of my calling would involve me first working a job cutting grass, and then pulling graphics off a line and now finally working as a substitute teacher (which is actually something I had thought would be cool to do for a year before I started my sr. year, the sub part not graphic pulling). I guess the really scary thing now is that where I, we go from here is no longer up to the powers that be, but is up to us discerning God's call and removing our own personal glory so that we may seek His and His alone.
I don't know what opportunities will arise and I am literally on the edge of my seat waiting for that next big dip to happen within this roller coaster ride I am currently on which has had so many twist and turns in this half year that I think I have nothing left in my stomach to upchuck. All I can do is live out my calling the best way I know how and that is to be a "lover of people" as Shane Claiborne says.

Remember, the Abyss is just that an abyss, enjoy your trip through it.

Cj-out

the Taste

2006-08-14T03:56:00.000-07:00

I think I might finally have a complete thought, all I have had since I posted last were fragments and as a general rule I don’t like to post unless I have a complete thought to really work through and mull over.  I have been thinking about many different things this summer, how we live our lives being the basic theme, more specifically how exactly we season our lives.  Just like when we cook or are preparing to eat we like certain things to be seasoned a certain way.  I like my steaks to have a flavor that explodes from it so I season it with several different seasonings to bring out the real flavor of the meat.  I have noticed that I also do this with the way I live my life.  I dislike the way something tastes so I add another thing to it and maybe another.  There is nothing wrong with it I am merely looking to add some flavor to my life, some enjoyment to get me past them mundane taste that I would have to live with otherwise.  This is shared by every other living person, and in some cases the seasoning is the only thing getting the person from day to day.
     Over a month ago I started working at a graphics company that prints the decal stickers for the side of semi’s, definitely not the job I saw myself having once I graduated college, it was a job though and I was grateful.  This job, one that I have recently left might have been the most isolating/boring job I have ever had.  My task was to sit at the end of a conveyer belt and catch the decals as they came out of the dryer.  What I noticed during my time at this graphics place was that once I left there I would dive into whatever book I was reading at the time simply because the thoughts and ideas that I had read about during that day had gotten me through that shift and all I wanted to do was to continue them.  I had become a book worm, even during breaks at work I would read like it was my job.  It was how I got through the day, how I seasoned my life during this time.  I noticed that my co-workers would do other things to help them get through their day.  Brad, possibly one of the most hill jack guys I have ever met would tell me about his car he was fixing up for the Tipton County Fair, which amounted to a old hatch back Nissan Sentra on a Bronco frame with huge mud tires, painted up to look like the General Lee.  There was John who would Dip while was at work and make some of the funniest jokes I had ever heard and there was Julie who would spend the entire day complaining about her husband and what role she had to play in her family.  Each of these people like me had taken some seasoning and used it to survive the time we had to serve making these graphics.
     Now I am sure that anyone reading this has seasoned their life with something, and there is nothing wrong with bringing out the flavor that life has to offer.  We have to endure it so we might as well enjoy it right?
     There is a problem however, there is such a thing as over seasoning something.  We can get so wrapped up into making life seem enjoyable that we forget the original taste that life provided us.  In order to make something taste better, you have to know what it tasted like before and have that in mind.  You will never find the right taste for what you truly desire if you can not remember.  I believe that is where so many people get lost and as a result just run from one seasoning to another.

Do you remember why you started seasoning to begin with?

Cj-out

Pursuit

2006-05-15T22:12:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking today about crushes and infatuation, and that connection that we seek from one another.  Whenever this happens at least in my case, I can not stop thinking about that person and as a result from over analyzing how I feel I end up reading to far into everything that they say and do.  As results then I avoid them and I eventually nothing ever develops.  It is apart of the waiting game that I always seem to play every year, when something changes in my life I always naturally wait to seek what exactly develops.  I naturally want to play it safe for some reason.  Last year when this happened I had a best buddy that got engaged as well I was entirely infatuated with a girl that I was waiting for to break up with her boyfriend (I knew it was going to happen).  This waiting game forced a rift to happen between me and God.  I closed myself off to everything in the world that was uncomfortable.  I worked to protect myself by playing it safe and as a result I had a shell that formed over my heart I would send stuff out but I would not allow it to come in.
     What is funny is that the relationships that we have, even the romantic ones are a direct reflection of our relationship with God.  So I have to ask myself, why am I waiting to pursue God?  What am I afraid of?  It might sound as if these are two entirely separate pursuits and that is true if you are thinking of it from a purely physical standpoint.  It has occurred within this past year that the attraction I have had to several women has not been to fulfill a physical needs they are to fill an intimate one.  It is an interesting twist to the norm.  Seeking that intimacy with a woman is exactly the quest we must have with our Abba.  Why do I not seek my Abba in the same way?  If it is truly suppose to be bro’s before ho’s then I have really missed the mark.
     Unless I relentlessly pursue my Abba I will never be able to pursue the intimacy that I desire within a mate/lover/friend.

Remember to look around because you only go around once

Cj - out

Validation

2006-05-13T12:08:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking to myself as I was talking to a friend, how often do We/I seek validation. As I think about it almost everything we do is validated by one person or another. It is almost as if we feel we need someone to watch each of our steps just so that we feel we are making them right. The market of commercials hinges on this essential conditioned need of humanity. I do not think within the hierarchy of needs validation was present (I could be wrong). We seek relationships with significant others just so that we can feel validated as a lover. Half of the stuff men do is so that they are validated to nobody but themselves that they are in fact a man. What is funny is that we/I constantly seek this validation from those who’s opinion truly does not matter. I guess it is not that big a surprise that we forget that God’s validation is the only thing that matters when we live in a world that has built entire cultures that seek validation through their own hierarchy of needs. I personally forget half of the time who I am truly to be validated by and I loose that perspective and as expected it always does me more harm then good. The few moments that I can truly say I have sought validation from God are those when I have been the most confident and I believe the most able to do the work he has called me to. I don’t know this is just a thought. Let me know what ya think.
Cj- out

The Race

2006-02-15T13:21:00.000-08:00

Now technically I am posting post Valentines Day but I did not have time yesterday to fill everyone in on my thoughts regarding the hallmark holiday.  I have never truly ever had a reason to celebrate V-day so I just have an outsiders view on the holiday.  This day is meant to celebrate Love, the spirit and nature that bonds two people together in a caring and submissive union.  This is a day worth celebrating.  Now being a single guy on Valentines Day is not the worst thing that could happen, considering I spent my whole day in classes and then a business meeting to top the day it was probably for the best that I was no where near a relationship this year.  I did pay close attention this year to see what many of the guys that I am on staff with and am good buddies with did for this special day.  It was interesting to me, to see this as a one sided affair, this must be the one day of the year that guys are overly submissive to their ladies.  It is the one day of the year that they must spend living up to the expectations of the day.
     For the guys I did watch it appeared that all of them did a good job making the day special for their ladies.  I won’t disclose any details about any of them so that their ladies will think theirs was the best, lets just say they didn’t beat flowers ordered from Australia however, Benny takes the cake on that one.  This day however always gets me thinking about relationships more and more.  Since it has been a while since the last time since I was “in the zone” I’m able to observe relationships on a constant basis.  I see those that are great matches and those that are not so great matches.  I hurt for guys who constantly poor into their ladies with nothing in return and I smile for those relationships that appear to just click.
     It seems that my view of relationships is always changing, it seems that with each time I possibly get closer to one I learn something new about them and I back off.  This really hurts my dating life and my opportunities for bent up sexual tension release (kidding).  Awkwardness and me do not mix and I have found especially even today that whenever I have the opportunity to really get close to a person (male or female) the awkwardness drives me away, the fight or flight takes a rise in me and I immediately want to run.  I feel I might need counseling who knows.  My inability to engage past a certain point would be a interesting counseling session (might take many).  It has spawned my one new years resolution that I would moderately say I have kept this year, to embrace the awkward.  To seek to not be freaked out by the minor things and allow people past a certain level, I have put up some walls that I don’t know really how they got put up or how exactly I can bring them down.  This might be my greatest sabotage.
     Every now and again I read a book that really influences my thinking, my perception of the world.  I have started a book that does just that, Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller.  Donald Miller has already been an influential writer and speaker in my life.  He presents truth in such a way that you wonder how you didn’t see it before but are so excited that you see it now.  In a section that I read last night it talks about two types of men, those who look for a woman to complete their lives or those who look for a woman to join in their complete life.  I almost stopped reading there at that point.  Which type am I?  Of course any guy would like to put themselves into that 2nd group.  We are to be invincible beings that do not need or want anything; it is part of our God complex.  I would have to say that throughout most of my life I have always thought of that first and put myself into that group.  I thought you really had to have the right girl in order for your life to begin.  That she was the missing piece that you needed.  This might be confusing to understand, think of it as you are running in this first example you are waiting to start running until you have someone running with you and with the latter example you are running, and you are looking for someone that is running to that same place at the same pace you are.  I think I am more built for the 2nd, I have just not decided to start running, I’m gonna start running now however and if your out there I hope to catch ya, I know which type I am now.  What type are you?

The Variable of Judgement - Christianity

2006-02-05T01:04:00.000-08:00

I am pleased to announce that I have started a job at school.  It is not glamorous or even filling all of the hours and pay that I need it to fulfill but it helps.  My responsibilities include doing dishes, wiping off tables and filling in on the register.  This last week as I picked up some extra hours I ran the register for the majority of my hours this week.  I enjoyed this more then dishes because it got me around people and kept me from constantly cleaning things that were going to be dirtied.  The people are truly what I love about the job, getting to see people.  I have a need to be around people, it is how I get my energy from.  It was on Wednesday however that while I was having a short conversation while ringing someone up that really stuck with me and with which I have been mulling over since it happened.  He was a tall gangly guy, with hair down past his shoulders that was highlighted red from its final 6 inches.  He was pleasant, polite but he had a very effeminate tone to his voice and his demeanor.  He is the classic figure that every homophobic man pictures when they think of a homosexual.  As I finished ringing him through I pleasantly wished him a good day.  Under his breathe he said “wow you are really nice,” I didn’t quite hear him and being someone who never turns down praise I asked him to repeat his statement.  His reply was “oh its just you are nice, but that will fade.”  I assured him it wouldn’t but he did not seem to believe me.
     Now this guy who I have no idea his name or where he is from, what his preferences would be (and I don’t care to know) but I think I can tell from his statement about his past, where he has come from, and that is a place of constant glares and judgment’s and preconceived notions about who he is and what he values.  People probably made fun of him behind his back all the time and most guys feeling uncomfortable around him either made snide jokes or remarks about him while he stand only and ear shot away.  His life most likely had been one where he had been judged constantly upon his appearance and not upon his heart.  Everyone most likely assumed that by his demeanor and the way that he carried himself that he preferred the company of men.  His flamboyant attitude and creative mindset made him an open target for anyone that wanted to take a shot at him.
     This has been the plight of humanity.  We are made uncomfortable by a group of people and how do we deal with it, we push them down in order to make ourselves feel better.  I know that has always worked for me.  I can remember in Jr. High school constantly doing that whether it was making fun of the fat kid on the bus (when I wasn’t really that much smaller then him).  I can remember constantly sizing guys up and thinking that I was better then them at something so that gave me value.  Our human nature is to be valued, we seek affirmation that we have this value, but we never truly look to the right arena’s for this affirmation.  We have to understand where our value comes from, we are all valuable to our Father, He would not seek a relationship with us if this weren’t true.  He chooses to redeem us because we are that valuable to him.  We do not realize that so we feel it important to find value in any place we can and often times we do that by establishing a set of value to others that we come into contact with.  We have to establish a totem pole just so we can feel better about where we might stand on it (notice how we never put ourselves on the bottom).
     I think an aspect that we truly look to assign value to people is by labeling them.  The one label that I am beginning to hate is that of the label of a Christian it seems that this is the beginning and the end the defining label as to whether or not we should like this person.  If they are labeled as a Christian then it is “oh, ok I can live with that lets me ‘em I think we could be friends.”  My problem is that we immediately assess someone’s character by this.  I hear it constantly especially around the school, when they describe someone to me they say “oh he’s this and that and he is a Christian” as if that means that I will know that is.  I’m sorry but if there is immediately some universal Christian network for which we all prescribe to and know each other by other then the church I must not be apart of it.
     I think the thing that truly bugs the heck out of me is that the term Christian is not even the proper term to use.  It originated as a slam, a negative connotation, a discriminatory phrase used to describe an entire group of people.  It has evolved into a defining name apparently which means that is has lost its original meaning.  I believe that the term Christian can not be defined any longer either.  As Donald Miller has pointed out, it means something different to everyone.  Based upon dealing with “Christians” they have an entirely different perspective on what it really means to be a “Christian.”  For some it means to judge people harshly and shut them out, for others it means to love people effectively, for others it is the definition of a heretic, and for others it is a name we go by when we go to Church only 2 times a year (Easter and Christmas).
     Is this an accurate system to really base judgment on people?  Why not say he’s a man/woman of faith, that truly means something, it says that he/she believes something and hopefully that they are constantly growing.  Why is it even important to label someone immediately?  Is it our natural propensity to be comfortable or do we feel that when we are around those that are not in the faith that we need to turn on our “Jesus Charm.”  Why is this an automatic entry into acceptance?  Someone hears something from someone that a famous celebrity is now a Christian, yes we should rejoice but not because Deon Sanders is apart of our team now, but because his soul is saved.  We need to be above accepting someone just because they join “our team.”  I believe we must pray that it is a sincere change within them, that when we meet those others that are within the “faith” that we drop and pray for them right then and there, that they are growing and warding off temptation.
     I think that to truly be the community that God has called the Church to be we have to go beyond silly labels like this and instead of labeling someone for “our side” we need to look deeper into their heart and go further then teams but see them as God sees each of his creations: as a valued child who he seeks to redeem and carry out a relationship with.

Amen

Cj - out

Worship

2006-01-23T09:46:00.000-08:00

Somethig has been bugging me for some time now, and that is the conditioned response that everyone gives towards worship. Now correct me if I'm wrong but when I view worship biblically those people were nearly exploding within themsevles when they would worship, it was truly just them and God in that moment, and they were delighting in praising Him. The would dance, they would sing, they would literally explode as they praised God. I have noticed that within our culture today we look to do anything but explode, I would almost venture to say there is more passion and purpose displayed by people when they are a concert then when they are entering into the Almighty's presence. As I sat back and watched this at the Jack Johnson concert this year this really struck me, I have been observing this within myself and within other that I encounter since that concert. I feel that we approach these performers that are singing about things that are so trivial when compared to the splendor of God with more of a passion then we approach God.
This is a tremendous problem. I feel that we have lost the heart of worship, we have allowed worship become something that we have to do in every single service, and we correlate it purely just to music, and sanction it to one place and one time of the week instead of living a life that is constantly worship, and walking in God's presence seeking His elation with the offering we have provided.
Worship is more then just chapel or Sunday mornings but it is a life long venture. We naturally seek to be fulfilled through someone taking joy in who we are, we feel valued, like when you were a little kid and you attempted to make breakfast in bed for your parents, it turned out to be terrible but they were so elated with your effort, with the passion you put forth to show that you loved them that much to make a complete mess of the kitchen. You feel most valued in that time because although you came up short and made a mess your parents were still so thankful for your heart. Now that is a stretch because most parents now would freak with the messed up kitchen, but I think you get where I am going with this. We are a people that are constantly looking for value, we seek it in the relationships we strive for and in the trivial materials we purchase on a constant basis. We try to push the piano up the hill when in fact we don't have to toil with that task but just look to the one who has provided for us with adoration. When we worship (especially with our lives) we find value, we see that despite we can never truly be good enough, that we can never reach the level of perfection that God is he still comes to meet with us. Does that not give us value? When I think about it worship might be best thing in the entirety of our lives that we can do to find out value, it might be the only thing.
Now I feel that we have been conditioned to worship in just one particular way most of our lives. To stand completely still, maybe lift up our hands, eyes must be closed, when did this become the standard? I believe it started with those attempting to be respectful of the Spirit moving, when did you ever see someone at a concert being completely still just waiting to get through it, no they paid their darn good money to be there, they are going to enjoy this concert for all it is worth, and why did they pay money to be there? To see someone they admire, someone that they feel gets who they are perform and sing songs that speak to them, they let the music take them over, they will throw their hands in the air, they will jump, shout, sing, scream, they will basically explode at that moment. Why is not the worship we have an opportunity to take part in seen in exactly the same way? Today in chapel a local worship minister came in to do worship for the entire student body, what happened in that chapel is what I believe every person needed, they needed to see that to worship must let the music, let God's Spirit take you over, to allow yourself to truly experience God during that time and not wondering what the person next to you is doing or thinking, within that moment today it was just us and God. Why does it take such a special worship leader to envoke that in people? Is it because we need someone to help us to get half way with God?
Why don't we explode into worship?
Whenever I truly think of this explosion I think of my older brother P.D., not let me give you an accurate description of P.D. he is a 26 year old with the heart of a child, he pursues the world, he pursues his Father in heaven the same way that a child would by letting himsefl explode. I can remember it being something that I was emberassed by growing up seeing my odler brother explode into dance during worship (it looked something like River Dance meets Micheal Jackson) but the more and more I continue to look at it, I believe P.D. was the only one during those musical worship sessions that truly understood what it meant to meet with God.
I can remember a scene from a favorite movie of mine called Keeping the Faith, within this film Ben Stiller is a Rabbi and Edward Norton is a Priest, they are best friends who grew up in New York together. There is one moment in the film where Ben Stiller is attempting to get his Temple to worship, as they have lost the heart, the feeling of the joyous song they are singing. In order to get them to feel the Spirit he brings in a Gospel choir to lead the congregation in worship. What happens is amazing, the entire congregation explodes into dance, they have caught the heart of worship, they understood exactly what it means to come before the Father provide Him with an offering of praise.
So why do we not Explode into worship?
If we are to truly enter the heart of God we must look to explode within ourselve to make our worship time so personal that it is just us and God there. We must understand that in doing so we find our most ultimate value, we have to let the Spirit take us over and lastly we must seperate ourselves from anyone else there and make it personally between us and God, approaching him as a child without fear or inabitions of what those around us will think if we Worship our God.

Cj-out

True Meaning of Christmas

2006-01-20T18:27:00.001-08:00

It has occurred to me, the true meaning of Christmas. Yes I am aware of the redemptive plan of God; I like to think I have been studying it ever since I was reborn. But something else occurred to me, something that a friend and I were discussing and I constantly have been challenging people to think in this way since. Some may see it as a what-if scenario, I think it is no where even close to a what-if, it is something that happened at Christmas, it is essentially what we celebrate this time of year and that is the incarnation of the Son to include us into Triune God. This will take some explaining, but just as we celebrate Easter as the ultimate redemption of man I think it is only part of God's plan to redeem man. Yes Christ had to suffer the weight of humanities sin and lay His life down to pave that road between us and God but his very presence in this world brings us back into God. Now God does not do this out of necessity, because does not 'need' anything. Many people ask why does God 'need' to love us? The answer is simple God does not 'need' to do anything, he is complete, he is fulfilled no matter what he does, the redemption of man did not affect God in a way that would make him less. When man was torn from God what happened was a separation. God 'loved' his creation so much that he formed covenant after covenant with humanity so that they may be saved. He did not do this out of need but out of Love. Whenever we talk about who God is or what God is we must always take it back to this key statement, God is Love. God did not need to redeem humanity he chose to do it, because God creates out of freedom. Back to my original point however, this time of year really makes sense to me now, as you see I have provided a picture an ancient diagram of the trinity. Whenever we look at these three figures of the triune God we must look at them, with equality, distinguishability and with unity. The figure of the Son is of one substance with the Father we call this homoousious - it means of one substance. This is the divinity of Jesus, through the kenosis however, Christ becomes one substance with humanity. Christ is both fully human and fully divine, not like a swirled ice cream cone of one substance in body spirit and nature. Christ coming to earth this venture into humanity, becoming homoousious with us includes humanity into the figure of the Son. Humanity included into the triune God that we serve shows us 2 distinct things 1) God loves His creation so much that He chose to include it in Himself (When God created the cosmos He created it ex-nihilo - out of nothing, including humanity in the Trinity makes us something, it makes us part of God) 2) Brings forth the goodness of humanity. If humanity was not essentially, naturally good the why would God look to include it into his full goodness. God would not allow Himself to be impure; he knows the goodness that humanity has within it (this also shows that no man is to far into the darkness to come back to the light).This for me is the ultimate reflection of God's love. I truly believe that when we look at God's love, we have to see what He has done through just the gift of including us in Himself. It gives us value, gives us purpose, and shows us how much we are valued. Feels good doesn't it.

Cj-out

Profound Impact

2006-01-20T18:27:00.000-08:00

I was watching the film "It's a Wonderful Life" tonight. There are very few films that can drive me to tears every time I see them, "It's a Wonderful Life" is one of those films. I watch it maybe once a year, yet I consider it my favorite movie of all time, it is because I believe it tells such a genuine and amazing story of the human condition. We live our lives, constantly struggling to pursue excellence, or comfort in our lives, we never truly see how comfortable we are, and how comfortable other people are because of our presence. We do not have the foresight to actively see that I believe. We do however get enveloped into the worries of each day, and when we get a turn of bad luck begin to think "woe is me," we forget what our lives should truly mean. If we were given the gift George Bailey was given, to see the world we live in without us in it we would understand how much not only we mean but what that world we have built around us means to us. Each of us has been put into a unique place at a unique time for a reason. The purpose for each of our lives is different; no man lives the same lives as his brother or sister. I think a problem arises when we compare our lives to those around us. It is crazy but we never seem to think of success and look at our own lives, we look to the hero's that we grew up idolizing and never equate ourselves into that same arena ever. If we were to each look back and take a look at the journey we have walked then all we should see is success, life is an uphill battle and any mohill that is conquered is a victory. Enjoy the journey of your life. Although you might not know where it will end up, at least you know the ride will be interesting, and let God decide what is success and what isn't, I think he is a better judge, with a better view than any man woman or child that has been or ever will be on this planet.

Enjoy the Journey; you are already a success - keep striving for more.

Cj-Out

Perfect

2006-01-20T18:22:00.000-08:00

I think we all feel the weight of perfection bearing down on us constantly. Our jobs or our friends demand us to be flawless, therefore we must feel that we have to be everything to everyone, we feel we always must be a different flavor of ice-cream to whoever we meet. This line of thinking can make anyone go insane. I personally have had the task of perfection during this week of my winter break; perfection is not only desired but expected. I took a job this week subbing for someone’s paper route. Within this line of work you are required to work every day of the week from 2am - 5am. You make very good money but the strain on your car and your mentally acuity can be enormous. Within this line of work you are expected to deliver every one of your papers to every single person on your route, on time. You strive to hit every single house on your list (I almost feel like Santa Claus, just to romanticize it a lil for ya) which should not be a hard task to accomplish, but then humanity comes and mucks everything up for you. When you miss a house you get a complaint and if you get a large amount of complaints, well then you have to find a new line of work. It is something I had been striving for on this route - perfection. I have fallen short already and it happened so fast that I was not even aware of it until later (the next morning). For me I have no other choice then to let these expectations rule my life at the moment. The expectation of perfection, this standard that the Indianapolis Star has set governs my very being at this point. I hope that you do not have to live up to standards like this within every area of your life. I think we tend to allow ourselves to take on so many expectations that we eventually collapse. Eventually something will come along and take us down; it will knock us out of our quasi perfect state. Much like my beloved Indianapolis Colts. Perfect 13-0 record until they met the San Diego (always goes down smooth) Chargers, they were out matched, out willed, out played in this game, the team that played appeared to be only a shell of the team I had seen rise to the occasion week in and week out to keep their perfect streak alive. While it broke my heart I some how felt relief within the loss. I think the more "perfect" things we have around us the higher we hold ourselves to that standard of whatever "perfect" may be for each of us. To have a team that was so close to achieving the perfect regular season and then fall short reminds us, I believe that it is ok for us to fall short, we are human. We can not be everything to everyone we can only be one flavor and we should be alright with that. What is funny is that since we have this impossibility of perfection within our world that is merely on our own merits. Perfection can never be accomplished when it is based upon our own glorification that will happen. Nothing in this world is perfect. The definition of perfect should have a picture of God under it. Of everything we observe in our world, we should know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the one atoning instance of perfection can only come when we put aside our own personal glory and look to glorify the only one who can truly be perfect. This is something I have been working to understand this year within my own life. True success, true perfection only truly comes when we seek the Glory of God and look for His blessing up on the mission we are about to undertake. It is when we put for the Glory of God within our lives that we then truly become the universal flavor to all people. We can transcend the insanity of living a life that constantly shifts to please man. My paper route has been a task of perfection I have attempted to accomplish on my own. So far this week I have had two complaints (I would attest that neither of them are my fault) so much for my idea of doing the perfect job this week - with what I have been exploring in the realm of God's Glory, should I truly be so surprised.

Cj - out

Sweet and Sour - Love and Pain

2006-01-20T18:09:00.000-08:00

I just got back from my paper route and I am laying in bed, but before I drift off I have to let you all know I believe that what I can only say sounds like a large animal, and I am talking elephant big, is sleeping in the room right next to me. With each breathe I am allowed to understand what it means to be a circus worker sleeping with the animals. I'll just turn the "for Lovers" mix up as usual to drown it out, but just thought I'd shake something that occurred to me this morning before I start my post. A bonus from doing a paper route over break is that I have literally 3 hours every morning to really think about things. Delivering papers is a pretty automatic process so your mind can drift to whatever and you can still perform your task as a high level. This morning I kept being drawn back to pain, it is what we feel in some small way every day of our lives, whether it is physical pain, social pains, or just the pains of living our very limited lives we all experience some sort of pain everyday. What got me thinking about this topic was the recent death of James Dungy the son of my beloved Colt's head coach a man I respect completely Tony Dungy. I can not imagine the pain that comes from having to bury your child. I think it may only truly be described as a weight, any pain that is even close to that, that I have felt in my life felt like weight is tied around my heart and it just tugs harder and harder breaking me over and over again in the process. I imagine this is exactly what the Dungy family is going through at this moment. I personally have never had a loss that close to me happen, but I have been second hand many times to tragedies striking in this way. Earlier this year a close friend of mine lost her little brother who I feel safe to say had more use on this planet then I did, and her describing the pain that she felt really gave me an insight into this pain. She would tell me that there would be moments where she would laugh at the memories and then moments where she never thought she could be happy again. It brought back an idea that I caught in one of the shadow lands films and that is that the pain we eventually feel is part of that love that we share. That the two go hand in hand, our hearts need love but it does not come without eventually feeling pain. The relationships we have now, the people that we love, those that we care for we truly must cherish because eventually the pain will come. When we hold these things in balance we gain a new perspective, life is more then about just pain and more then about just love. Life is about the sweet and the sour, and you never truly know how sweet the sweet is without tasting the sour. My prayers and hopes are for each of you that currently taste the sour, may you find the sweet again very soon. If you need a model, look to a man I respect who tastes the sour right now.
Cj-Out